Breaking the Situationship Cycle: An Attachment-Based Guide to Modern Dating
WRITTEN BY AMBER ROBINSON
Situationships – the messy, undefined space between Netflix-and-chill and a committed relationship. Sound familiar? If you’re stuck in this gray area, understanding your attachment style could be your key to breaking free.
As a therapist, I’ve seen how knowing your emotional patterns can transform your dating life. Let’s dive into what’s really going on with situationships and how to navigate them with clarity.
What's Really Going On With Situationships?
Picture this: You've been seeing someone for months. You hang out regularly, text daily, and maybe you've even met their friends. But somehow, you're still introducing them as your "friend" while internally screaming "WHAT ARE WE?" Sound familiar? That's peak situationship territory.
The Tea on Attachment Styles
Your attachment style is basically your emotional operating system – it's running in the background of every "u up?" text you send or don't send. Let's break down how different attachment styles show up in the situationship game:
Anxious Attachment (The Overthinker)
If you're anxiously attached, situationships probably feel like an emotional rollercoaster. You might:
Screenshot their Instagram stories to analyze with your friends
Analyze their texts like it’s a forensic investigation.
Feel like you're losing it when they don't text back for 3 hours
Write mental wedding vows while they're still calling you "friend”
Avoidant Attachment (The "I'm Good" Friend)
Avoidant folks might actually vibe with situationships at first because they feel safer than the real deal. You might:
Love that there's no pressure to define things
Get the ick the moment they want to plan a future date
Keep your dating apps just in case, even though you've been seeing them for months
Have mastered the art of being busy when things get too real
Secure Attachment (The Emotionally Available Icon)
Securely attached individuals are the unicorns of dating. They:
Actually say what they want (wild, right?)
Don't lose their mind over double texting
Can have "the talk" without breaking into hives
Know their worth and aren't afraid to walk away from confusion
Why We Keep Playing This Game
Let's get real about why we're stuck in these almost-relationships:
The Fear is Real
Between seeing our parents' relationships implode and watching our friends' messy breakups play out on social media, no wonder we're scared of going all in. Plus, who wants to be the one who "catches feelings" first? (Spoiler: feelings aren't a disease, and it's okay to have them!)
Dating App Dopamine
We're all living in a world where the next potential match is just a swipe away. It's like trying to choose what to watch on Netflix – sometimes having too many options makes it harder to commit to just one show.
Emotional Baggage Check
Most of us are carrying around some relationship trauma like it's our favorite tote bag. Whether it's from childhood stuff or that one ex who really did a number on us, these experiences can make the fuzzy boundaries of situationships feel oddly comfortable.
Breaking Free (Without Breaking Down)
1. Get Real With Yourself
Time for some honest self-reflection (maybe pour yourself a glass of wine first):
What's your actual dating goal? Hot girl summer or finding your person?
What patterns keep showing up in your relationships?
Reflect on past patterns: Are you settling for breadcrumbs?
2. Know Your Worth
Before jumping into anything:
Know your non-negotiables.
Protect your time and energy.
Understand that standards ≠ being “high maintenance.”
3. Use Your Words
I know, I know – actually saying how you feel is terrifying. But try:
Being upfront about what you're looking for
Asking direct questions (yes, even the scary ones)
Speaking your truth without apologizing for having feelings
4. Honor Your Needs
Your attachment needs are valid, period:
Stop apologizing for wanting clarity
Choose partners who match your energy
Trust your gut when something feels off
Dating With Intention
Moving beyond situationships doesn't mean you need to start planning your wedding tomorrow. It just means dating with intention and self-respect.
Time Check
Give yourself a timeline. If you've been "hanging out" for three months and still don't know what's up, it's time for the talk. Your time is precious, and season 2 of your situationship isn't worth the emotional investment.
Quality > Quantity
Instead of playing the field:
Seek connections that feel meaningful.
Take breaks to reconnect with yourself.
Focus on actions, not just words.
Lean on Your Support System
Your friends are your MVPs:
Let them check you when you’re making excuses for someone.
Use them for reality checks during tough transitions.
Celebrate your growth with them.x
The Bottom Line
Breaking free from situationship cycles takes guts and growth, but you've got this. Understanding your attachment style is like having the cheat codes to your own dating patterns. Whether you're currently in the grey zone, healing from one, or trying to avoid future almost-relationships, knowing yourself better is the first step to finding what you actually want.
Remember, it's totally okay to want more than just hanging out. You're not asking for too much by wanting clarity – you're just asking for basic human decency with a side of proper communication.
And hey, if you're feeling stuck, therapy is always an option (and no, that doesn't mean you're broken – it means you're taking care of yourself like the boss you are). Your attachment style isn't a life sentence; it's just your starting point for building the relationships you actually want.
Keep it real, trust your gut, and don't settle for half-hearted situationships when you're looking for the whole thing. You've got this!
