From Chaos to Clarity: How Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Adult Relationships
WHAT IS CHILDHOOD TRAUMA?
Childhood trauma is such a complex concept. There are an array of experiences that can lead to childhood trauma. Physical and/or sexual abuse are widely recognized as traumatic events, but ongoing stress due to living in a dangerous neighborhood or having emotionally abusive parents can also be very traumatic.
According to The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), more than two-thirds of children in the US reported at least one traumatic event before the age of 16. 1 in 8 adults, worldwide, have reported childhood sexual assault and 1 in 4 have reported childhood physical abuse.
If you have experienced childhood trauma, this may impact the way you view and experience relationships as an adult.
You struggle to feel like you can trust your partner
Trauma is not a one-size-fits-all concept. Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes and can affect various aspects of one’s life. However, if you have experienced trauma at the hands of someone you trusted, this may shatter your sense of trust moving forward.
Even if your trauma did not come at the hands of someone you trusted, it can still have a profound impact on how you see the world and form relationships. Being traumatized is akin to being betrayed, thus often leaving survivors feeling vulnerable and exposed. A natural response to these feelings of exposure may be to avoid being vulnerable, contributing to isolation and detachment.
You have trouble maintaining or respecting boundaries
After experiencing childhood trauma, the ability to set boundaries in adult relationships is extremely important. If childhood trauma came at the hands of a caregiver, there may not have been consistent boundaries in the home. This lack of structure is modeled for children and often carried into adult relationships. However, establishing, maintaining and respecting boundaries in adult relationships is crucial for a healthy union.
You lack confidence and feelings of security in your relationship
Childhood trauma can often lead to feelings of insecurity. As a child, your innocence and sense of safety were penetrated. It makes sense that you lack confidence in your relationships especially if your early relationships were not a source of safety and security. Childhood is a time of innocence, a time that should be sacred and protected. When one is not protected in childhood, it can be difficult to believe they are ever safe and secure.
Sharing emotions with your partner is difficult and uncomfortable
When we experience trauma during childhood, we don’t understand it. Even when reflecting as adults, it can be difficult to understand. Childhood trauma is also often associated with the suppression of emotions. When this is done in our formative years, this is how we learn to deal with emotions and it can be extremely difficult to unlearn that. Thus, this pattern has a tendency to spill over into our adult relationships.
You fear being rejected
When one experiences trauma as a child, they often feel as though something is wrong with them. A common phrase used by trauma survivors is that they feel like “damaged goods.” Given so, these individuals may consciously or subconsciously feel that they are not good enough and will in turn be rejected by their partner as well.
How others have responded to learning about the trauma can also have a great impact on the survivor. If a child disclosed sexual abuse to a trusted party and that party denies the abuse or shames them in any way, that child will feel rejected and will likely learn to suppress their emotions moving forward.
RESOLVING CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
Although childhood trauma may often have impacted your life and your relationships, healing from these traumas is possible.
Individual Therapy
Working with a trained professional on healing from your traumas can be extremely effective. Trauma-informed therapists can help you sift through the complexities of your trauma and identify how trauma has impacted your relationships. As humans, we often develop patterns within our lives and our relationships. Within these patterns, we are so comfortable that we may not even recognize that we are modeling the same behaviors and tendencies throughout various areas of our lives.
Additionally, working with a therapist can provide a designated space for acknowledgment, reflection and a dedication to healing. With the right therapist, you can develop a treatment plan with a healing practice tailored to you and your needs.
Relationship Therapy
If currently in a relationship, working with a relationship therapist can be very helpful in helping you and your partner better understand one another. Couples therapists are trained to assist couples in facilitating healthy communication patterns as well as discovering the root causes of conflicts. Look for a couples therapist who is also trauma-informed.
Healthy Lifestyle Choices
Healing from past trauma is not all about therapy. Trauma is not only in our mind and our memories, it is also stored in the body. Therefore, making healthy lifestyle choices is also very important.
diet and exercise
Having a healthy diet and exercising regularly can have a positive impact on mental health by reducing anxiety and depression. In one study of adult trauma survivors, a 12-week exercise program that included three 30-minute resistance training sessions a week, as well as walking, was found to lead to a significant decrease in PTSD symptoms, depression, and better sleep quality after the program ended.
sleep
Trauma can impact an individual’s sleep long after the trauma occurs. According to sleepfoundation.org, one-half of childhood trauma survivors experience hyperarousal and trouble sleeping. To improve sleep while healing from trauma, maintain a consistent sleep schedule, and curate an environment that is relaxing and restful.
mindfulness
Connecting our mind and body through mindfulness exercises such as meditations or breathwork can help individuals feel grounded and better equipped to process life’s adversities.
