Breaking Free: How to Overcome the People-Pleasing Trap
People-pleasing generally doesn’t sound like a bad thing, right? What’s wrong with being nice and making other people happy?
However, when people-pleasing becomes part of one’s identity this usually comes with unwanted strings attached. People-pleasing is more than just making your loved ones happy. It includes going out of your way to make others feel comfortable and often at your own expense.
Many people-pleasers confuse people-pleasing with kindness. When asked about their reluctance to assert boundaries, people-pleasers will often state that they “want to be nice” or they “don’t want people to dislike them.” However, these behaviors can lead to much bigger problems down the line.
Signs You’re A People Pleaser
IT’S HARD FOR YOU TO SAY “NO”
You may worry that saying “no” will upset someone or make them think you don’t care about them. Agreeing to do something may simply seem like the easier option, even if it’s something you really don’t want to do.
If you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no, ask yourself these questions:
If I say yes, am I going to resent it later?
Do I have the energy/emotional bandwidth to participate and be present?
What am I giving up in order to engage? (This may be sleep, work, exercise, self-care time, etc.)
YOU APOLOGIZE OFTEN
If “sorry” is one of your most commonly used words and people tell you you apologize way too often, this may be a sign that you are a people-pleaser.
Apologies are certainly appropriate when they are necessary and when you’re actually sorry, but if you are constantly apologizing, ask yourself if your apologies are authentic. If you find yourself apologizing frequently, you may actually be undermining yourself.
YOU CONSTANTLY FEEL OVERWHELMED
This feeling may very well come from being scheduled to do too many things you don’t actually want to do. The inability to say “no” can lead to even greater problems when you are feeling burdened by all the things you have to do that don’t actually fulfill you.
YOU DON’T ADMIT WHEN YOU’RE UPSET
If you are a people-pleaser, you may have put other’s needs before your own for so long that your needs seem irrelevant. This practice has conditioned you to believe that your needs are not important enough for yourself to honor, thus not important enough to communicate to others.
YOU FEAR PEOPLE NOT LIKING YOU
People-pleasers spend a lot of time worrying about upsetting others or fearing that others will not like them. These thoughts and fears lead to altering words and behaviors to meet the expectations of others.
YOU STRUGGLE WITH AUTHENTICITY
The tendency to accommodate others and agree even when you don’t agree can lead to difficulty recognizing how you genuinely feel. You’ve surpassed your own needs and desires for so long that you’re not even sure how you feel anymore.
Causes of People Pleasing
Part of having successful relationships involves taking others’ needs into consideration, but when this is done in excess it can actually be harmful to relationships. But where does it come from?
People-pleasing is usually a symptom of a deeper issue, but there is no singular underlying cause. Some explanations for people-pleasing may include:
PAST RELATIONSHIPS
People-pleasing may have arisen because one’s needs were not met in childhood or in previous relationships. This may lead to accommodating others in excess. You may have felt so invisible that you will make it a point to make others feel seen. This is an admirable quality, but not if it is done at your own expense.
These behaviors may have also arisen due to past trauma in relationships. If you experienced childhood trauma or an abusive relationship as an adult, you may have learned it was safer to just go along with what another person wants to keep the peace (and possibly avoid abuse).
SELF ESTEEM
These behaviors may also come from a lack of self-worth. If your identity is rooted in being helpful and being a giver, you may feel that is the only time that you are worthy of praise or love.
How To Overcome People-Pleasing
PRACTICE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
People-pleasers often have a passive communication style. This passiveness often leads to resentment and then passive-aggressive communication. The balance between passive communication and aggressive communication is assertiveness.
Assertive communication includes recognizing that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. Assertive communicators speak openly, show expressions that match the message, and do not accommodate for the sake of accommodating. They ask for what they need and say “no” when they mean it.
WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE ASKED BEFORE OFFERING HELP
People-pleasers are known for always being the first in line to help. They are quick to offer suggestions or solutions no matter what the problem. However, what the person may be looking for is just someone to listen to them. They may be searching for empathy and validation rather than solutions. Next time, someone is expressing a problem that they are faced with, pause. Ask them what they need at this time. Then, ask yourself if you are capable and/or equipped to meet those needs.
SHOW KINDNESS WHEN YOU MEAN IT
Kindness is great, but it’s important to consider what is behind the act of kindness. Before you jump in to do something nice or someone, ask yourself what your intentions are. Is the act of kindness being done to earn approval? Will there be resentment if the act is not returned?
TALK TO A THERAPIST
Overcoming people-pleasing may be a tall task, especially if you’ve operated this way for a long time. A therapist can help you unpack what is behind your need to keep everyone happy and also unlearn some of the lessons that have brought you to this point. Having a trained professional can also be very helpful for implementing coping strategies and accountability.
