Navigating Adult Relationships with Parents After Childhood Trauma
WRITTEN BY AMBER ROBINSON
As a trauma-informed therapist specializing in adult survivors of childhood trauma, one of the most complex challenges I witness my clients grappling with is maintaining relationships with parents who failed to meet their emotional needs during childhood. This journey is filled with conflicting emotions, challenging dynamics, and the ongoing work of healing while trying to forge new connections.
Many of my clients express feeling caught in an emotional tug-of-war: wanting to maintain a relationship with their aging parents while still processing the pain and trauma from their earlier years. If you're experiencing similar feelings, please know that you're not alone, and your struggles are valid.
Understanding the Complex Web of Emotions
When we carry childhood trauma into our adult relationships with parents, we often find ourselves navigating a maze of complicated feelings. You might experience deep-seated resentment alongside genuine love, or feel guilty about your anger while knowing your feelings are justified. These confusing emotions are entirely normal and part of the healing process.
What makes this journey particularly challenging is that while we're working through our own healing, our parents continue to age and change. We might see them becoming more vulnerable or witness them making genuine efforts to grow, yet still carry the weight of past hurts. This can create internal conflict: How do we hold space for both accountability and compassion?
The Challenge of Holding Multiple Truths
One of the most powerful realizations in this healing journey is learning that multiple truths can coexist:
Your parents might have done their best with the tools they had
Their best might still have been deeply inadequate and harmful
They may have grown and changed as people
The impact of their past actions on you remains valid and real
You can love them while still acknowledging the ways they hurt you
The Role of Resentment in Healing
Many clients feel shame about their resentment toward their parents, but resentment often serves as a protective function – it's your brain’s way of saying "what happened to you wasn't okay." Rather than trying to eliminate these feelings, we can learn to understand them as important signals about our boundaries and needs.
Working through resentment doesn't mean forgetting or excusing past hurts. Instead, it means processing these feelings in a way that allows us to make conscious choices about our present relationships rather than being driven purely by past pain.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: An Act of Self-Care and Love
Perhaps one of the most crucial aspects of healing while maintaining adult relationships with parents is establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries aren't walls – they're guidelines that protect your well-being while allowing for meaningful connection on your terms.
What might these boundaries look like?
Limiting the frequency or duration of visits
Being clear about which topics are off-limits
Deciding what behaviors you will and won't tolerate
Choosing when and how you want to engage
Being firm about your needs for space and time to process
Remember: Setting boundaries isn't selfish; it's essential. You're not trying to push your parents away — you’re trying to keep them close and maintain healthy relationships with them.
When Parents Resist Boundaries
It's important to acknowledge that many parents struggle to respect their adult children's boundaries. They might view boundary-setting as rejection or struggle to see their adult child as separate from themselves. While this is understandable from their perspective, it doesn't make it acceptable.
If your parents consistently violate your boundaries, it's okay to create more distance. This might mean:
Reducing contact temporarily or indefinitely
Moving communication to less immediate channels (email instead of phone calls)
Taking breaks when needed
Being more selective about what you share and discuss
The Option of Family Therapy
For families where there's willingness on both sides to work on the relationship, family therapy can provide a structured, safe environment for healing and growth. A skilled family therapist can help:
Facilitate difficult conversations
Provide tools for healthy communication
Help parents understand the impact of past behaviors
Support the establishment of new, healthier patterns
Guide the family through conflict resolution
However, it's crucial to remember that family therapy is only beneficial when all parties are genuinely willing to participate and do the work. It's okay if your parents aren't ready or willing – this doesn't mean you can't continue your own healing journey.
Your Healing Journey Is Valid
As you navigate this complex terrain, remember that your healing journey is yours to define. There's no universal "right way" to handle relationships with parents after childhood trauma. What matters is finding an approach that honors your well-being while allowing for whatever level of connection feels safe and healthy for you.
Some days you might feel strong and capable of engagement; other days, you might need more distance. Both can coexist. The key is staying connected to your own needs and feelings while making conscious choices about your level of engagement.
Moving Forward with Compassion – For Yourself and Others
As your parents age, you might feel an increasing urgency to "fix" the relationship or find resolution. While this is understandable, remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. It's possible to hold compassion for your parents' journey and current circumstances while still honoring your own healing needs.
Practice self-compassion as you navigate this complex relationship. You're dealing with something incredibly challenging, and there's no perfect way to do it. Some days will be harder than others, and that's okay.
Remember that choosing to maintain some form of relationship with your parents doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own well-being. Similarly, choosing to distance yourself doesn't make you a bad person. Your primary responsibility is to your own healing and well-being.
Whether you choose to maintain close contact, create distance, or find a middle ground, know that your choices are valid. You're doing the best you can with a complex situation, and that's more than enough.
